It’s time to break out the night vision goggles because I’ve got some bushes in which to hide.
I’m not that popular. As such, I’ve learned how to crash a party. This skill comes in handy particularly during the holiday season, a time when seemingly everyone is hosting a gathering … and not inviting me. This year, I’ve decided to forgo sneaking through the back door at my neighbors’ annual Christmas soirée in favor of setting my sights on a larger prize—celebrity shindigs. And because my tastes are varied, I have a plethora of vegan A-listers from whom to choose. After making my list and checking it twice, here are the 11 celebrity vegans whose parties I plan on being forcibly removed from this December.
1. Alec Baldwin
But only if he serves spiked vegan nog wearing his Donald Trump wig while telling me to try the snickerdoodles because they’re amazing.
2. Leilani Münter
I like to turn it up during the holidays. And by that, I mean get drunk. My preferred method is vegan wine, but a few glasses in me and pretty soon I’m fumbling through my phone trying to order Lyft. However, perhaps Münter—a professional racecar driver—would want to give me a ride home? Probably not, seeing as how hosts don’t often take drunken guests home … which might explain why I don’t get invited to parties.
3. Nate Diaz
Nate Diaz is a 170-pound mixed martial artist fighting for the UFC. Best known as the guy who defeated Conor McGregor in March, Diaz is the sort of dude who would destroy me in a fight. That said, I’m very confident in my thumb-wrestling abilities (I’m double-jointed!), especially after I’ve had a few vegan beers.
4. Berry Gordy
Berry Gordy founded Motown, the record label home to artists such as Marvin Gaye, the Jackson 5, Diana Ross & the Supremes, the Temptations, the Miracles, and the Four Tops. Forget for one second the amount of talent that’s going to be at this gathering and try to focus on the music that’ll be played while guests gnosh on vegan mini-corndogs. I might have to buy a vegan tuxedo from Prodigy Uniform Company and pretend to be a waiter for this one.
5. Woody Harrelson
First, the beloved actor lives in Maui, which means if I’m crashing his party, I’m in Maui. And being in Maui is always better than not being in Maui. Second, having yourself a white Christmas is so 1954. Instead, why not party like it’s (almost) 2017 and have yourself a green Christmas? And I don’t mean eco-friendly!
6. Carl Lewis
In case you forgot, Carl Lewis is a former Olympic track and field athlete who has nine gold medals to his name. With this in mind, can you imagine how quickly Lewis would attend to your vegan needs? “Hey Carl, I need another…”—BOOM—before you can finish your sentence, he’s back with whatever you were just about to ask for. “Hey Carl, we’re getting low on…”—BAM—he’s back with a vegan charcuterie plate. If Lewis’ Facebook invite says his party starts at 9, don’t be late, because he’s capable of getting six hours’ worth of partying done in 45 minutes.
Wu-Tang Clan producer/rapper RZA is making vegan wallets. During his bash, I’m hoping he’s making vegan beats because I’ve got more cruelty-free rhymes than Whole Foods Market has flakes of nutritional yeast.
8. Kat Von D
I don’t have any tattoos, but I seem to date women who do. My guess is that Kat Von D’s gala will be full of inked women who might find me interesting … if, of course, her friends enjoy quiet dudes with two cats and an extensive cardigan collection.
9. Al Gore
On second thought, I’m inviting Al Gore to my party so he can fix my internet connection.
10. Stevie Wonder
Do you think Stevie Wonder plays “My Cherie Amour” without provocation, or do people at his parties have to ask him? There’s only one way to find out, and that’s hide myself in a crate of almond milk and hope I can hear him sing “la la laaaaahhh la la la” from his kitchen.
I have quite the imagination, and one of my daydreams is this: somewhere, in a remote Colorado cabin, the members of iconic ‘80s band The Smiths get together every holiday season and play the hits between sips of vegan chai nog and games of gin rummy. This year, I’m going to pretend that just before Johnny Marr plays the opening lick from “This Charming Man,” Moz and company will look at me peering through the frosty window and think, “Hmmm … maybe we should invite that bloke in.” He’s Morrissey, so naturally he won’t, but I’m hoping the crooner becomes engulfed with holiday spirit and decides to let me watch from the outside.